I’ve learned something about myself in the past couple of weeks: I compare myself and my talents to others entirely too much…and because of that, I often have a lack of confidence in myself.

Example: Photography. I have some friends who are incredibly gifted “people photographers”, and I love to learn from their work. Since I tend to focus on scenic photography, taking pictures of people has been intimidating to me. I don’t have a lot of experience with it, which of course makes it uncomfortable. And the biggest problem, I think, has been that I compare my work to the work of others…and then I get frustrated when my pictures don’t look like theirs, instead of appreciating my work for what it is.

Another example: Guitar. When our worship pastor first asked me in January to play guitar for the worship team, I was beyond intimidated. Because I know so many incredibly talented guitar players, I have doubted my ability to play guitar for as long as I’ve been playing (13 years). I know I’m not the best–but I am willing to learn and grow and use my talent for the Lord. After I played that first week, I realized that I loved it, and I wasn’t terrible! I now look forward to being able to serve the Lord with my musical ability each week–and it doesn’t hurt that I get to sing each week, too (singing is the one gift in which I have no problem with confidence, LOL).

Between photographing the Quinceañera this weekend (people pictures) and playing piano for worship this morning (when I hadn’t played in public in about 10 years), I was challenged to step out of my comfort zone, and it made me realize how little confidence I have in myself sometimes. It didn’t go nearly as badly as I expected…

It’s time to recognize that I am a beloved child of God, and I have gifts and abilities that He has given me…and if He calls me to use them, He will enable me to succeed. And all I have to do is say “yes” when He calls.

Don’t worry–this is not going to be a speculation on their relationship or anything like that.

Last night as I watched the “season premiere” of Jon & Kate +8, my heart was broken for this family. I cannot even imagine the stress and strain a couple would go through having eight kids at such a young age (they were in their twenties), nor can I imagine the challenges of living in the limelight while trying to raise your children to walk with the Lord. I also cannot imagine what it must feel like to have so many people start rumors and fill their trashy tabloid papers with pictures and stories that are completely false, trying to ruin your life.

But more than that, I realized something last night. I have lived with people over the years who followed every little tidbit of “celebrity gossip” that they could get their hands on, and I have never been a fan of such garbage. The Bible states that we should not gossip–and I believe that includes people that we don’t know! I’m not perfect in this area–please understand that–but it is something I have been working on for a few years now because I was so deeply convicted.

Last night, it occurred to me that we, as Christians, need to be praying for the Gosselin family. We don’t know the details of their strife, and it honestly doesn’t matter. The Lord knows what is going on in their hearts, and I have decided to pray for them rather than listen to the garbage that surrounds us regarding their relationship.

Can you imagine the difference that we as Christians could make in the lives of public figures by praying for them rather than gossiping about them? I read about a church once that decided to pray fervently for Britney Spears and wrote her letters filled with love and encouragement, rather than gossiping about her. What an amazing concept!!

So, this is where I’m at with the Gosselin family. They need our prayers–and we know that God can heal their relationship and restore peace to their family. Whether or not you agree with their decisions is irrelevant. Our brother and sister in Christ are in trouble, so let’s start praying!!

I’ve really been struggling lately with what I want to do with my life…actually, what God wants me to do with my life. I’ve realized that I don’t want a career in politics–which has surprised me, and everyone who knew me in college as the crazy, politically active girl. But I wouldn’t have known that if I had never tried it out! 

I’ve been praying for guidance, for some hint from the Lord of what it is He has for me. I’ve known for years that I want to be a missionary, but until I pay off my student loans, that can’t happen. And that’s okay! 

So I’ve been trying to figure out what job would allow me to use my God-given gifts/abilities/skills, while also engaging my passions…and I finally figured it out today (with God’s help, of course).

I want to plan/lead short-term mission trips!

Where else can I use my skills of event planning, photography, music/worship leading, while also doing what I’m most passionate about–serving others, telling others about Jesus, discipling students, traveling?! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before! Leading the team to New Orleans last year was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. To spend my life leading others onto the mission field would be absolutely fabulous! 

So, now the prayer continues, as I have to find someone to pay me to do this. APU has a full-time missions coordinator (actually, a whole office dedicated to that), so I know the job exists…

Lord–lead me wherever you want me to go…

One year ago today, I flew out to Pennsylvania to begin the process of moving. According to my driver’s license, tomorrow (April 16th)  is my “anniversary” of being a resident. It’s so crazy to think that it’s already been a year (kind of)! When I came out last April, I signed my lease (and met my roommate), began job-hunting, and got pneumonia. Besides the pneumonia, it was a great week out here! 

God is SO good, and SO faithful.

Many people asked why I was moving to a new place, where I really didn’t know anyone, so far away from family…and I told them that I knew God would bring “family” into my life, and I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that He would take care of me. When I moved to Southern California, He brought “family” into my life. When I spent two summers in Williamsport, PA, He brought “family” into my life…

…and He most definitely has done the same for me here in Harrisburg! My church has become like family–and I absolutely adore them! There are a few families in particular who have really “adopted” me, and I have felt so loved, so appreciated…and I simply adore them. I have been blessed with having amazing roommates, amazing friends here in Pennsylvania…and I really can’t complain. I even survived my first “real” Winter! Haha.

Thank you, Lord, for leading me here to Pennsylvania…I am so blessed, far beyond I could have ever imagined!

In my quest to grow in my walk with the Lord, being “uncomfortable” has become a way of life for me over the past year and a half or so. And I have loved it! Has it been easy? Nope. Not at all. It seems like the Lord is continually bringing things into my life to spur growth, and to heal from past scars…and this week has been no exception.

Like every person, I’ve been hurt many times within my twenty-six years of life. Sometimes by individuals, sometimes by groups of people, sometimes by circumstances. Like many Christians, I have also been hurt/scarred/burned by people in the church, and I’ve found that those scars are the hardest to erase.

I’m really struggling these days with forgiving my former church. I’ve never really been a part of a “normal” or “healthy” church until I moved to Pennsylvania. My first church ended up splitting in a vicious, vindictive split when I was 17 (and I went to college before really being able to get involved in the new church, which is doing well and is healthy). The last church I was a part of is practically imploding right now, from reports I hear. And I’m honestly not surprised.  The church has lacked true leadership for years, and I have long sensed that the Lord was trying to get the church’s attention, only to be ignored. That’s all I’ll say, as the details aren’t really the point of this post. I stayed at the church until the Lord called me to Pennsylvania…

The amount of bitterness that exists within my heart (and has existed for five or six years) seems to grow daily, despite my efforts to let it go and forgive them. I adore my new church, as it is the healthiest church I have ever been a part of, and it’s pretty much the opposite of my old church in every way…but, at the same time, each time something great happens at my new church, I am reminded of the bad things that happened (or the good things that were never allowed to happen) at my old church. And the bitterness returns. While I am blessed to have this new church family, blessed to be at a church who truly loves and serves the Lord and the community, and blessed to be at a church that embraces new ideas and doesn’t shoot them down for fear of “change”, my new church is also being used by God to force me to “forgive and forget” the many scars I have from my old church. And it’s not easy.

On Sunday alone, I heard two songs that directly spoke about forgiveness. The lines were: “I’m holding on to things I shouldn’t, and it’s time to let them go” (Brand New Day, by Fireflight) and “…forgiven so that I can forgive” (Majesty, by Delirious, I think). I know what I have to do, but I don’t know how to go about it.

I’m learning that forgiveness is not a passive act–it’s very much active. It’s a choice, yet it’s also a requirement from the Lord. When I think about all that the Lord puts up with from me–all my failings, my sins, my imperfections–and I remember that I am completely forgiven in His eyes, I am reminded that my grievances against my old church are NOTHING compared to all that He has forgiven…

“The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.”–Daniel 9:9

I know that I learned SO much from my experience at my old church, even through the pain and the frustration. I’m trying to see the bigger picture–trying to see God’s purpose for the experience, while allowing the Lord to heal my wounds, which requires looking at the details so that I can forgive the people involved. I know that forgiving them is the only way to move on and the only way to become more like Jesus. I just don’t know how to let go.

And so the struggle continues…

Suzanne Michelle Gonzales

On March 23, 2003, a friend of mine took her own life unexpectedly.  This story was covered by several news agencies around the country–including the San Francisco Chronicle (click here for the story) and Oprah.

Six years later, her family is still on a mission to ensure that those who use the Internet as a way to coerce others into committing suicide are punished.

Please take a few minutes to write to your Congressman regarding H.R. 853: “The Suzanne Gonzales Suicide Prevention Act of 2009″. It is currently going through Congress, and it is a great piece of legislation!

Please pray for her family, as this will no doubt be another rough day. Pray also that their mission to hold people accountable for their actions on the Internet is successful. Let’s do everything we can to prevent another tragic loss of life.

Click Here to View HR 853

I wrote this one year after the tragedy, if you want to read it.

September 24, 1983-March 23, 2003

It has been one year…one year since that heartbreaking day when a young life was taken so suddenly…so tragically…the life of a girl I had known since fourth grade…a girl who went trick-or-treating with me…helped with our “Jump-Rope Olympics” in fourth grade…my friend in G.A.T.E….someone who could always make me smile, always make me laugh with her. Suzy was bright, funny, unique…everyone knew who she was…she was extremely talented in so many areas…Suzanne was a truly beautiful person in so many ways; but she did not see what everyone else saw.

The last time I saw her was June 7, 2001…Graduation day. We had a picture taken together, embracing, smiles on our faces…so much to look forward to! We made promises to keep in touch, a promise that we kept for over a year. She was heading to Florida, to pursue meteorology, a dream she had when I first met her…

It was in Mrs. Tranbarger’s class, fourth grade, Jackson Heights Elementary School. She was new to Red Bluff, and we became immediate friends. We were in Gifted and Talented Education together, we attended each other’s birthday parties, and we spent our recess and lunch together in our group of friends. I remember going out to see her new house as it was being built…I remember the amazing view, and how excited she was to have her own bathroom, and the added excitement of being able to decorate it “all by herself.”

She was one of the people who mocked me incessantly for years because I would not kiss Casey Coffman in the sandbox…Casey “asked me out,” and after we had been dating for awhile (who knows how long it really was) he said that in order to be really girl-friend/boy-friend, we had to kiss. He told me to meet him at the sandbox at lunch one day…I took two friends with me to avoid kissing him, Suzy being one of them. They never let me live it down that I would not kiss him.

I will never forget the sandbox…

I will never forget the tether-ball competitions we held in 6th grade…

I will never forget band with her, fourth through seventh grade. She played the alto saxophone…

I will never forget the Geography Bee’s…or our Odyssey of the Mind team…prune juice…

High school did not grant us as many opportunities together, but our friendship was still strong. We had several classes together…I loved to hear her insights, as they were often deep and profound. Whenever we met in the halls, she would stop and say hello…little did I know that I would never get to say goodbye.

It was March 29th, 2003. I was at Huntington Beach with Leslie and Jessica. We had a wonderful day playing football and getting tan; my phone was in the car, and I had a voice message. It was my mom. I called her, and she told me to call her when I got home. Immediately, I knew someone had died. My mind raced to figure out who it was…but I never, ever expected to hear the name Suzanne Gonzales. I called my friends from home to find details, and when I found out it was suicide, I was completely and utterly devastated…shocked…I could barely even cry because I wanted to believe that it was untrue…

Her memorial service that May was filled to capacity, with many, myself included, standing. My pastor of 15 years officiated, which was a great comfort to me. It was a time of laughter and remembrance as we recalled stories and viewed pictures of this precious young woman’s life…so short, someone abruptly taken from us.

I have many regrets…I saw her online several times in the months before her death, but I did not talk with her…I “didn’t have time” to talk to anyone. Oh, how I would make the time today! I was unable to get together with her in Redding the December before she died…the things I would do to make that happen now. What could I have done? Probably nothing…but now I would try! I would have bought a plane ticket for Florida that day had I known what was to become of her…

In her online journal, she wrote this about me about a year before she passed away: “Lesa Close is really cool. She is the future Governor or California, I know it.” If only she had believed in herself that much! Suzy was so intelligent, and had so much potential…

Today I wear a red ribbon with white polka-dots, just like the one they gave us at her funeral…just like her prom dress…

I miss you, Suzy. You were loved by so many people…we just never let you know…

Story about Suzy in the San Francisco Chronicle

She asked, in her online journal, to have this song played at her funeral…if you know the story behind it, you will see the thick irony…James Taylor wrote this after his friend, Suzanne, committed suicide while he was on tour…it was played at her memorial service, while photos were displayed on the screen.

Fire And Rain
By James Taylor

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Suzanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can’t remember who to send it to

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Won’t you look down upon me, Jesus
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
And I won’t make it any other way

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it’ll turn your head around
Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you, baby, one more time again, now

God is not very subtle at times…and that’s a great thing. 

I’m preparing to teach a class at my church/start a ministry for singles. I’m going to be teaching from the book “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan, and I’m totally excited about it. So I’ve been praying about how God wants me to lead into it, etc. 

Well, I decided tonight to finally watch a Francis Chan DVD that I have had for about a year, called “Lukewarm” (you can watch it online here)…WOW. What a message! His main passage was Revelation 3:14-22. Here’s how The Message puts it: 

 ¹⁴Write to Laodicea, to the Angel of the church. God’s Yes, the Faithful and Accurate Witness, the First of God’s creation, says: ^15-17“I know you inside and out, and find little to my liking. You’re not cold, you’re not hot—far better to be either cold or hot! You’re stale. You’re stagnant. You make me want to vomit. You brag, ‘I’m rich, I’ve got it made, I need nothing from anyone,’ oblivious that in fact you’re a pitiful, blind beggar, threadbare and homeless.

 ¹⁸“Here’s what I want you to do: Buy your gold from me, gold that’s been through the refiner’s fire. Then you’ll be rich. Buy your clothes from me, clothes designed in Heaven. You’ve gone around half-naked long enough. And buy medicine for your eyes from me so you can see, really see.

 ¹⁹“The people I love, I call to account—prod and correct and guide so that they’ll live at their best. Up on your feet, then! About face! Run after God!

 ^20-21“Look at me. I stand at the door. I knock. If you hear me call and open the door, I’ll come right in and sit down to supper with you. Conquerors will sit alongside me at the head table, just as I, having conquered, took the place of honor at the side of my Father. That’s my gift to the conquerors!

 

 ²²“Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches.”

The NLT says that “those who are victorious will sit with me on my throne”. Francis pointed out that this is the same throne that the disciple John observed in the next chapter (Revelation 4)–the one with millions of angels surrounding it, bowing down to the King. The treasures in Heaven (and of the Kingdom of God) are SO much greater than anything we could possibly acquire here on earth! Those who “overcome” being lukewarm, and become “hot” will live a life so much more full and abundant than they have ever imagined (not materially, but spiritually)!

God says that the lukewarm nature of the church makes Him want to vomit, and Francis gave us his take on that. He talked about the “rich young ruler” in Luke 18, who “walked away sad” because he couldn’t give up his riches, and compared him to Zacchaeus in Luke 19, who gave up half of all he owned and paid back anyone he had wronged (four times what he had stolen!)  . Francis said it’s like we’re saying “I don’t know if I can give up my stuff, God”–and God is repulsed by that (understandably). Who are we to compare God and His glory to our comparatively little houses and piles of gold?! Why would we choose the things of this world over those things of eternal value? It made so much more sense to me. I’m not explaining it well–you’ll just have to watch the message for yourself.  

But I realized that THIS is how I have to start the class. We must address the issue of being “lukewarm” before we can talk about living a life passionately for the Lord. All or nothing. 

On top of all this, a friend of mine introduced me to a song yesterday that talks about the very same thing (see post from yesterday with the lyrics to “The Motions”). I think God is being very clear about what He wants me to share with His children. And I’m excited–not only to share it with them, but to continue this growth in my own walk. And I’m writing a song (with a friend of mine) about this very topic of “all or nothing”. 

It’s time to be serious, it’s time to truly give Him my ALL.

A couple of weeks ago, our pastor preached on anger…and he said something that I had honestly never considered. He pointed out that most of the time when we get angry it’s because we’re selfish. Think about it: when I get frustrated in traffic, what’s the real cause? My time is being wasted…I am going to be late. When we were kids, we’d get mad at our parents for telling US what to do, when it wasn’t what WE wanted to do. Hmmm…

James 4:1-6 points out that our anger comes from our selfish desires and our pride. I like the way that “The Message” puts it:

^1-2Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don’t have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn’t yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.

^2-3You wouldn’t think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you’d be asking for what you have no right to. You’re spoiled children, each wanting your own way.

^4-6You’re cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn’t care? The proverb has it that “he’s a fiercely jealous lover.” And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you’ll find. It’s common knowledge that “God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.”

The Contemporary English Version says it this way:

¹Why do you fight and argue with each other? Isn’t it because you are full of selfish desires that fight to control your body? ²You want something you don’t have, and you will do anything to get it. You will even kill! But you still cannot get what you want, and you won’t get it by fighting and arguing. You should pray for it. ³Yet even when you do pray, your prayers are not answered, because you pray just for selfish reasons.

⁴You people aren’t faithful to God! Don’t you know that if you love the world, you are God’s enemies? And if you decide to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God. ⁵Do you doubt the Scriptures that say, “God truly cares about the Spirit he has put in us”? ^{[a] 6}In fact, God treats us with even greater kindness, just as the Scriptures say, “God opposes everyone who is proud, but he is kind to everyone who is humble.”

This sermon has been on my mind for the past two weeks, and I’ve really come to realize how selfish I really am. How humbling! I thought that I was pretty good about putting others first, but this has served as a HUGE reminder that I’m not even close to what God desires of us–and that none of us are! This is really making me think about why things frustrate me, and I’m much more aware of how “me-centered” I am.

Praise the Lord for pastors who aren’t afraid to preach about the “tough stuff”–because I bet no one in our congregation has been able to stop thinking about this.

On a somewhat related note, a friend told me about this song today, and the lyrics are powerful. It goes along with my “theme song”, which is “Crazy” by MercyMe. So I thought I’d share:

“The Motions” by Matthew West

This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way

I want to live my life, all or nothing, for Jesus…it’s as simple as that.

Stories Untold: What Are We Missing?

I am entering a contest that will allow me the opportunity of a lifetime. It’s called the “Name Your Dream Contest”, sponsored by Microsoft. The winner gets $50,000 (among other things) to travel around the world, living their photography dream.

Here’s my dream:

I want to tell the stories that have not been told. I want to tie in my love of learning about new cultures with my love for photography. By so doing, I want to inspire people to action, not sympathy.

Every person has a story to tell…every culture has colorful traditions, enticing recipes, rich histories, enchanting music, and beautiful people. But some cultures are more focused on than others. Everyone travels to London, Paris, Rome, and Sydney. But, who goes to Greenland, Siberia, Mongolia, or Oman?

I want to tell the stories that have not been told. I want to tie in my love of learning about new cultures with my love for photography. I want to live a day in the life of a Rwandan woman…I want to travel across Russia via the Trans-Siberian Railroad to reach those places that most people have never heard of and couldn’t find on a map. I want to explore these villages, learn from these cultures, taste their cuisine. I want to discover what we have in common–as well as our differences. I want to find out what brings them joy, what brings them sorrow.

What are we missing by ignoring these cultures?

As part of my learning experience, I also want to tell my own family story by visiting the village that my great-great-great grandparents came from, on the Austrian/Hungarian border.

I want to bring awareness…if I come across an area of need, I want to be able to inspire people to help. I want to inspire people to action, not sympathy.

So really, my dream isn’t about me at all–it’s about those whose stories have not been told…and it’s about bringing a voice to those people.

I want to use this as an opportunity to serve around the world as a short-term missionary…if I were to win this contest, that would be my focus–to be Christ to these people.

Please vote for me to help make this dream a reality! The contest is open through April 3rd, 2009. Thank you in advance!

“What is it that you like doing? If you don’t like it, get out of it, because you’ll be lousy at it. You don’t have to stay with a job for the rest of your life, because if you don’t like it you’ll never be successful in it.” –Lee Iacocca

“One of the things that may get in the way of people being lifelong learners is that they’re not in touch with their passion. If you’re passionate about what it is you do, then you’re going to be looking for everything you can to get better at it.” –Jack Canfield

My top strength is “Belief” (for those familiar with Gallup’s StrengthsFinder), which means that I have to be passionate about what I do. I couldn’t agree more. It’s this strength that has made my life very interesting as of late, as I am in a job that I cannot seem to become passionate about. I’m constantly searching for things I can do to use my passions/gifts/abilities, and am finding plenty of ways outside of work…

Last night, as my roommate Laura and I were watching two of our favorite TLC shows (”Little People, Big World” and “17 Kids and Counting”), I was once again reminded that my current job isn’t what I want to do forever. Matt Roloff went to Iraq to help two dwarf children have life-changing surgeries, and the Duggar’s went to El Salvador to serve with a ministry there during Christmas-time. My heart so longs to serve others like that! That is what I want to spend the rest of my life doing! So, I’m now praying through this, asking the Lord to show me the path He’d like my life to take. My job now is helping me get back on my feet financially, as is therefore a “means to the end” if nothing else. And I’m so thankful! But my heart yearns for something greater…and I anxiously await the day when I am living my calling…